NEXT-TO-LAST POST: THE COPPER AND THE QUACK!
Neither of these photos are authentic, obviously... but I had to include the images just for fun! I DO have an actual photo of the real "copper"--British slang for police officer, in case you are unfamiliar with this archaic term--which I took on the sly, but thought not to post it in order to protect his identity. As for the doctor in this story...well, I certainly did not take a photo of him. I imagine that, if I had even attempted such a thing, he would have smashed my phone at the very least and possibly even beaten me up! (No, I don't really think so... but of course I would not have even tried for a photo of him.)
Intrigued?! Read on....
THE COPPER
To begin with, one has to apply for a document known as an E-pass. This online form is replete with myriad fields that are literally impossible to fill in for someone who is NOT an Indian citizen. Evidently the powers that be seem to think that tourists such as myself should have been long gone from their country by now...and if not, how DARE they presume to want to actually TRAVEL anywhere? The nerve!!!
But I had to try, stymied as I was, for the impending trip to the Mumbai airport absolutely requires this infernal document if I am to make it there. I know this for a fact, because those who tried to travel anywhere without the form were turned back.
The first field that was impossible to fill out was as follows: The application asks for the applicant's "Aadhar Card number". What the heck is this?! Well, it is the the equivalent of an I.D. card. And of COURSE you cannot obtain such a card unless you are an Indian national. So... I tried writing in "not applicable." NOPE! A nasty error message advised me that I had to put in NUMBERS. So I tried putting in all zeros. Of course it didn't like that, either.... or any OTHER digits, for that matter. A lost cause, clearly.
The first field that was impossible to fill out was as follows: The application asks for the applicant's "Aadhar Card number". What the heck is this?! Well, it is the the equivalent of an I.D. card. And of COURSE you cannot obtain such a card unless you are an Indian national. So... I tried writing in "not applicable." NOPE! A nasty error message advised me that I had to put in NUMBERS. So I tried putting in all zeros. Of course it didn't like that, either.... or any OTHER digits, for that matter. A lost cause, clearly.
Here was another mystifying question:
There was a field asking for the name of the district I was traveling to. Of the 200 or so choices in the drop down menu, not a single one included the Pune or Mumbai airports. Was I supposed to make it up?! and WHY on earth would they not include either of what was surely two of the MOST common travel destinations!? It utterly defies one's comprehension.
And there were so many others, but I won't bore you with all these endless, aggravating details.
Suffice it to say, I threw up my hands in despair, bundled up my laptop and trundled on down to the little local Koregaon Park police outpost.
This is where I met the lovely Officer Sagar.
What a gem he was! Not only a seriously nice guy, but a sterling representative of a police force here to serve "the people". Truly.
I opened up my laptop and showed him the various fields which had so completely stumped and frustrated me. He asked me who was taking me to the airport (after I had explained the whole situation to him--namely, that I had to get to the Mumbai airport on the 30th in order to catch an international flight back to the U.S. of A.) I explained it was my good friend, Tushar. Did I have his number? Yes, of course I did. He then asked for this number. I gave it to him. He called Tushar and bent his ear for a good twenty minutes, explaining to him in minute detail all that he needed to fill out the form on my behalf (simply listing me as the passenger). He shed light on every one of the troubling and seemingly impossible fields of information required. With regard to a few of them, Tushar was actually encouraged to "fudge" a bit! For example, even though the form required the Aadhar card numbers for passengers, the Officer told Tushar to simply use his own again. Why not?!
I was beyond impressed, I was bowled over. My new hero, this copper, Officer Sagar! What a complete and total mensche!
So, my friends, yet something ELSE I will miss about this wonderful country.
And he was not the only one: the other officers hanging out at this small station were also most friendly and welcoming. After the phone call ended with Tushar, I wanted to hug them all. And take their picture. I didn't ask. I just thanked them from the bottom of my heart and went on my merry way! Once again, counting my blessings...
Tushar promptly filled the out form per the officer's specifications and our pass was approved the very next day. The bureaucrats finally did something right!!!
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| This was only the top part of the form, the easy part! The trickier fields were further down... |
Next step: Get a medical certificate from a doctor; the patient being required to be tested and given an official document declaring this person to be Covid negative.
Which brings us to...
After making some inquiries, Tushar found a local doctor with special clinic hours for just this purpose. Oddly, these hours were from 7:30 to 9 pm certain evenings, so apparently a little side gig. And WHAT a lucrative gig it was, indeed!
The doctor, whose name I wouldn't mention even if I COULD remember or pronounce it, was located in a seedy, hole-in-the-wall office tucked away well off of the street in Bhosale Nagar. (conveniently located for Tushar--whom I met at his home so we could travel there together.)
As soon as we entered I was filled with trepidation about the whole scene. For one thing, it smelled: of antiseptic, unwashed bodies, and something even more rank, which I could not put my finger on. Next... the clinic was bustling! Lots of people coming and going, with no social distancing in evidence. At least everyone was wearing a mask, which was somewhat comforting. But there was no sign of any staff other than the doctor himself. No sanitizer required for the hands, as is the case most everywhere these days. Clearly, whatever was going on here was suspect!
After about a 10 minute wait, Tushar and I went into his small office. He asked for our ID's, which we handed over. Then, without A SINGLE question related to our health--whether or not we were experiencing any Covid-related symptoms or anything else, for that matter--he pulled out two forms, filled in our names, destination, temperature (without bothering to take it! Heck, even Nature's Basket and the local bank take my temperature before I can step inside!) and any other information required...making it all up as he went along, of course. My jaw dropped but I said not a word!
I did some calculations: If he saw two people every five minutes (as appeared to be the case--virtually everyone was coming in pairs) at 100 rupees per person, that was 200 rupees times twelve, amounting to 2400 rupees an hour. Not too shabby, even for a doctor! Because this IS India, after all... and while doctors must do well, they aren't cleaning up like they would be in the U.S. 2400 rupees is the equivalent of $30 an hour, just for sitting there and filling out forms and otherwise not lifting a finger to do anything even remotely medical. What a racket!!!!
I would imagine--or at least hope--if he were caught he would be shut down AND lose his medical license. But the fact that he was doing this so casually and openly was a pretty good indication that he has no such fears or worries. Maybe he padded a couple palms to get the authorities to look the other way? Again, this is India, and such a thing is not at all unheard of!
We got what we needed. I was happy about THAT. And pretty inexpensively to boot. But what WAS troubling was the fact that he made NO effort toward any legitimacy. And...one has to wonder...how many supposedly "Covid negative" people are running around out there in the streets, as careless and unethical as this guy was? Is it any wonder that Covid cases are on the rise--at an alarming rate--in India, and especially in Pune?!
I think it is probably good that I am leaving!
Disturbingly enough, the last--and final--step to take before being able to travel involves a "Big Brother-ish" app one is required to put on one's cell phone. This app is called "Aarogya Setu", and don't even begin to ask me what the name means! What it does, according to the website "thehindu.com", is this:
Aarogya Setu is designed to keep track of other app users that a person came in contact with. It then alerts app users if any of the contacts tests positive for COVID-19.
Do you think such a thing would ever fly in the good ol' U.S. of A.?! Not a chance, not in a million years!! Not with H.I.P.P.A.! Not in a country where people protest and riot in response to the mere suggestion that the wearing of masks actually be mandatory. "Live Free or Die"! is the slogan of one Eastern state, though this could easily be the motto of the whole country. Well... many people are getting their wish, wouldn't you say?!
Even so, I admittedly find the app to be infinitely creepy and utterly ridiculous! How many people out there are actually BEING tested? How many are getting a green light because they have seen a quack doctor, such as the one we saw?! Maybe it WILL alert the presence of a Covid positive person, but that person may be only one amongst MANY others, all virus carriers walking around who have not been verified as such. What crazy times we live in, eh?!
Anyhow, the final requirements are as follows: I cannot sit in the front seat with my driver, Tushar (never mind the fact that we have already spent multiple times together in close quarters!); we both have to wear masks for the entirety of our journey; and we are not allowed to stop to piss along the way. (Over my dead body will I comply with this one! I am NOT peeing in a jar in the car! I can NOT make it 5 hours--the length of the drive to the airport--without stopping to pee! Good Lord!!)
Friends, do you feel--like I do--that you would like to be put into deep freeze and only be brought back to life once all of this insanity is behind us? For this truly IS my strongest sentiment about these horrific "Covid Days".
Truly, I will be glad when this whole, sordid journey back "home" is behind me. Stay tuned: the final post will be all about the actual adventure involving airports, airlines and whatnot. Should be interesting, to be sure!
Which brings us to...
THE QUACK
After making some inquiries, Tushar found a local doctor with special clinic hours for just this purpose. Oddly, these hours were from 7:30 to 9 pm certain evenings, so apparently a little side gig. And WHAT a lucrative gig it was, indeed!
The doctor, whose name I wouldn't mention even if I COULD remember or pronounce it, was located in a seedy, hole-in-the-wall office tucked away well off of the street in Bhosale Nagar. (conveniently located for Tushar--whom I met at his home so we could travel there together.)
As soon as we entered I was filled with trepidation about the whole scene. For one thing, it smelled: of antiseptic, unwashed bodies, and something even more rank, which I could not put my finger on. Next... the clinic was bustling! Lots of people coming and going, with no social distancing in evidence. At least everyone was wearing a mask, which was somewhat comforting. But there was no sign of any staff other than the doctor himself. No sanitizer required for the hands, as is the case most everywhere these days. Clearly, whatever was going on here was suspect!
After about a 10 minute wait, Tushar and I went into his small office. He asked for our ID's, which we handed over. Then, without A SINGLE question related to our health--whether or not we were experiencing any Covid-related symptoms or anything else, for that matter--he pulled out two forms, filled in our names, destination, temperature (without bothering to take it! Heck, even Nature's Basket and the local bank take my temperature before I can step inside!) and any other information required...making it all up as he went along, of course. My jaw dropped but I said not a word!
I did some calculations: If he saw two people every five minutes (as appeared to be the case--virtually everyone was coming in pairs) at 100 rupees per person, that was 200 rupees times twelve, amounting to 2400 rupees an hour. Not too shabby, even for a doctor! Because this IS India, after all... and while doctors must do well, they aren't cleaning up like they would be in the U.S. 2400 rupees is the equivalent of $30 an hour, just for sitting there and filling out forms and otherwise not lifting a finger to do anything even remotely medical. What a racket!!!!
I would imagine--or at least hope--if he were caught he would be shut down AND lose his medical license. But the fact that he was doing this so casually and openly was a pretty good indication that he has no such fears or worries. Maybe he padded a couple palms to get the authorities to look the other way? Again, this is India, and such a thing is not at all unheard of!
We got what we needed. I was happy about THAT. And pretty inexpensively to boot. But what WAS troubling was the fact that he made NO effort toward any legitimacy. And...one has to wonder...how many supposedly "Covid negative" people are running around out there in the streets, as careless and unethical as this guy was? Is it any wonder that Covid cases are on the rise--at an alarming rate--in India, and especially in Pune?!
I think it is probably good that I am leaving!
Disturbingly enough, the last--and final--step to take before being able to travel involves a "Big Brother-ish" app one is required to put on one's cell phone. This app is called "Aarogya Setu", and don't even begin to ask me what the name means! What it does, according to the website "thehindu.com", is this:
Aarogya Setu is designed to keep track of other app users that a person came in contact with. It then alerts app users if any of the contacts tests positive for COVID-19.
Do you think such a thing would ever fly in the good ol' U.S. of A.?! Not a chance, not in a million years!! Not with H.I.P.P.A.! Not in a country where people protest and riot in response to the mere suggestion that the wearing of masks actually be mandatory. "Live Free or Die"! is the slogan of one Eastern state, though this could easily be the motto of the whole country. Well... many people are getting their wish, wouldn't you say?!
Even so, I admittedly find the app to be infinitely creepy and utterly ridiculous! How many people out there are actually BEING tested? How many are getting a green light because they have seen a quack doctor, such as the one we saw?! Maybe it WILL alert the presence of a Covid positive person, but that person may be only one amongst MANY others, all virus carriers walking around who have not been verified as such. What crazy times we live in, eh?!
Anyhow, the final requirements are as follows: I cannot sit in the front seat with my driver, Tushar (never mind the fact that we have already spent multiple times together in close quarters!); we both have to wear masks for the entirety of our journey; and we are not allowed to stop to piss along the way. (Over my dead body will I comply with this one! I am NOT peeing in a jar in the car! I can NOT make it 5 hours--the length of the drive to the airport--without stopping to pee! Good Lord!!)
Friends, do you feel--like I do--that you would like to be put into deep freeze and only be brought back to life once all of this insanity is behind us? For this truly IS my strongest sentiment about these horrific "Covid Days".
Truly, I will be glad when this whole, sordid journey back "home" is behind me. Stay tuned: the final post will be all about the actual adventure involving airports, airlines and whatnot. Should be interesting, to be sure!
Sending happy thoughts for a good journey! Be strong! Can't wait for news of your return. Much love to you.
ReplyDeleteYou’re probably stateside already and I’m still catching up on your posts. That Dr. Quack experience sounded SO weird but you survived and thank goodness for the wonderful police officers! Congratulations on figuring out all that compliance.
ReplyDelete